November 26th, 2010
|02:42 am - It's almost 2:30 AM on the day after Thanksgiving...|
...And I'm up writing my first post in around 11 months.
Didn't even realize that I posted in January. Wow.
I don't know exactly what I want to say on here, but I guess that's the point. This semester and last summer didn't help me a whole lot. I'm currently struggling in two of my classes - and I shouldn't be in at least one of them, if not both, since I took them at the AP Level in high school.
I came on here and read some old posts. It made me really nostalgic. I kind of wish I could transport myself back to the eleventh grade and relive all of that. It's hard to imagine high school is so far away. It feels like yesterday I was on the bus to school.
I'm not happy. This much is true. I could very well be happier - since I was last year.
There's just so much in my life that I'm dissatisfied with, besides my grades. I sort of figured - back in high school anyway - that I would be sure of what I wanted to do and to be by now. I don't fully understand why I assumed this would be the case. It probably had to with my unhappiness then, especially with Dreyfoos.
Dreyfoos is a weird place to explain to people. It's an awful mixture of good and bad. In some ways, I loved every minute of it. Speech and Debate is something that I still miss to a certain extent. But there was so much I hated about it, particularly the Theater Department. Oh, how royally all of them fucked me up.
So now I'm stuck, about to be halfway through my second year of college, and I only sort of know what I want to do, or at least to study. I love international relations, and always have. But my dad's email to me after Uncle Vanya did confuse me.
I've never thought that theater was actually possible for me. In my mind, it was a dream that was fun to think of but exhausting to try to achieve. I was regularly advised against it - at least subconsciously so. Despite the praise that I certainly received in high school, it was never tinged with hope. My teachers didn't think I could make it - or at least already discounted me as another academic in pursuit of something else.
But I need an artistic outlet - I need acting. I love the feeling of success it brings me. I could do well in any of my classes and feel good, but the praise I got after the show has stuck with me. I think back to Cinderella and Kiss Me Kate last year and it's just...hard. It's hard to imagine giving it up - and for what? A job in the government? A job at the desk of some ad agency punching numbers? A job as a lawyer reading boring material day-in and day-out.
Nothing else gives me the thrill that theater and acting do. I'm certain of that. Yet, I still have these other interests. Moreover, I still have that nagging idea in the back of my head - money. I can't escape the negative reviews I've gotten in the past. All I can perceive is the failure that may come. Obviously, I have not had the opportunity to pursue my interests. But pursuing acting means taking a chance.
In my life, I've put myself out there so often and the reward has rarely been worth the aggravation. I need something to vindicate all of this. I'm not saying some gold statue or some award is worthy enough vindication - I am saying that it would be nice though.
Oh, and I'm still single. Which also sucks. But that's for another post.
January 2nd, 2010
|12:44 am - I haven't posted in a while...|
And I'm not quite ready for my yearly letter to myself via FutureMe, so let's just say I'm knocking out two birds with one stone here: making a rough draft for my letter and finally posting.
Wow. 2009 was ridiculous - I know that this is a somewhat cliché and general statement, but it's true. I can't even begin to think of all that has happened since then. It sometimes feels like just yesterday I realized on January 1st, 2009 that I would be applying to college that year. Now here I am, a year later, having just completed my first semester at Tufts (and eagerly awaiting my Intro to International Relations grade to boot).
I am so glad that I chose Tufts in the end, and that I was able to go to Tufts in general. I think back to when I was considering McGill and Macalester instead, and I cannot even fathom how different my life would have been. I guess I just feel lucky that fate really did send me to the right school in the end. Being raised to attest to the Ivy League ideal, I am so glad that I am where I am. My friends at Tufts are some of the most amazing people in my life - I don't know what I'd do without them.
Tufts has made me change in so many ways, and only for the better. I'm so much more mature and low-stress now. Even when I worried about grades in this class or assignments in that, I still never had the panic attacks that plagued me in my time at Dreyfoos. And that's the other thing - Tufts has made me realize everything I didn't like about Dreyfoos. Yes, in some ways I do miss Dreyfoos. But by far stretches, Tufts is better. Dreyfoos was too self-absorbed. I don't know... Dreyfoos, to me, still carries all these memories of stress, drama, and general unhappiness. While there were the good times, the good times never were good enough to make up for the negative aspects. And I don't think I would have been happier elsewhere in Palm Beach County, I just think that high school in general wasn't my cup of tea.
But oh lordy, college is. I can't even begin to list everything that is right about it so far, but I'm more than thankful.
And now, the future...
I don't really know what the next year will hold yet, and I'm okay with that. Last year, I was so anxious about college, scholarships, where my family would be living - and now, I've come to realize that all of this doesn't matter. I'm starting to plan summer jobs and things of that sort, but I have no set-in-stone ideas. I've come to grow accustomed to the idea of not being in Florida. And I got over the hurdle of making Hayley realize that tonight. I know that Florida doesn't really have a job for me, considering I failed at being hired anywhere last summer. So, hopefully, I will find a job in New York or DC. If not, well...I'll really be in trouble.
And in the very far future - I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Tufts has not changed the indecisive part of me; every five seconds I still dream up new career paths. My parents dropped the law school bomb on me yesterday, so I guess there's that. And if my grades and whatnot continue to be how they were this past semester, maybe those Ivy League aspirations will rear their ugly heads once more. I do think I could be the gay equivalent of Elle Woods, so watch out Harvard Law?
But what's nice is the fact that I don't need to worry anymore. I guess I can summarize this post with this: I feel invincible.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: accomplished
March 31st, 2009
University of Michigan
Haven't Heard From:
University of Michigam
March 27th, 2009
College Acceptances Thus Far:
University of Michigan
March 1st, 2009
So, college count thus far.
Still haven't heard from:
What I'm most excited about is the fact that it is not necessary that I go to school in Florida.
Therefore, I'm pretty sure I'll be out of here by next year...in sub-Arctic temperatures, but still!
Current Location: home
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: ANTM
December 15th, 2008
So I got deferred from Yale...
November 19th, 2008
This year really isn't turning out the way I had hoped/planned. I'm constantly remembering my optimism at the end of the summer as to how the year would go. And it isn't as if this year is bad. It is just a little underwhelming. I find that the things that I was looking forward to/held dear are not as picture perfect as I had hoped.
Like, with debate. After Interprod this summer, I saw myself doing really well. I did very well last year, and that was with a good piece, but I knew there were flaws in it. This year I feel my piece is much better, yet at Blue Key I did worse than I did last year. At the same time, my duo went well, so I'm not really...complaining. I don't want to complain, because we actually did better in duo this year. But at the same time, it isn't as if I finaled...Which was what my goal was.
Then there's theatre. In my head, I pictured a perfect world where debate and theatre would no longer conflict. And once again, there is much conflict. I'm not sure where I really stand in theatre now that I have completed my senior repertoire. And then when it comes to the senior rep itself, I am disappointed. I feel that if the circumstances had been different, if I had not been so rushed, then maybe I would have done better. The people I spoke to said I did well. But that's how it has always been. It hurts me in a way because throughout my entire time at Dreyfoos I feel I have not grown too much in terms of my acting skills. I feel like I always coast on my talent, which isn't extraordinary, but is better than most. And my hope was that my acting would extend beyond my innate ability, but it hasn't. I received little help on my senior rep, and as a result, my performance was good by comparison, but I got nothing out of it-- not even a fleeting moment of satisfaction. I just think of how this performance was supposed to be the pinnacle of four years of advanced, conservatory-level acting training. And what resulted was a senior rep with all of the wrong pieces with all of the wrong blocking. I just wish there were some way I could grow.
And then there's Seeds. With Seeds...I'm very apathetic. And I don't want to be. I truly love Seeds, and I think that shows from the work I have put into it the past two years. Yet everyday I find the bell ringing, and I feel unaccomplished. Because the class grew and I have so many people on my staff, my job has morphed from actual design work to delegation. It makes me feel a little useless because even when I go to do a poster, I realize that I am at a loss of what to design one for. And I miss the way Seeds was. There was this very cohesive feel last year. We felt like a family, we felt like a group of people working towards a similar goal. It was work, and it was hard, but...it wasn't work for work's sake. Now I feel like I do my job without a purpose because that feeling is gone. And I am upset because I do see a lot of people not working, and not doing their job. And I wonder why the incentive isn't there for them, and why I have an incentive at all then. I also really dislike how things have been headed. Whether or not people want to own up to it, the truth is there was unprofessional behavior happening. There is a difference between criticism and appropriate humor and immature gossiping and disrespect. I personally felt put off by it, but shrugged it off. Frankly, it wasn't a surprise to me. However, it downright angered me when it was directed at Brittney and Phoenix, mostly because they have done more for Seeds than anyone. And I think we were all trying to pussy-foot around the disrespect that was going on, and turning a blind eye to it. So, while I sort of feel like I opened a can of worms by bringing up this disrespect, I am glad I did. I doubt things will really change, but now it is out of my hands and out of my conscience. It is up to the editors and Mr. Moore now. What really upsets me most about it is the fact that to be in Seeds, for me, is difficult. I'm not a Communications major, and it is not as if I just magically become a staff member. By being in the class, I am actively angering my dean and my department. I'm taking the hit for something I care about. So when I see people waste the opportunities they have by being on a publication like Seeds, it upsets me. I think Seeds doesn't mean as much to people anymore. That upsets me more.
Overall, I'm apathetic. I graduate in 182 days, so I'm basically done with caring.
November 4th, 2008
I cannot believe I just watched Barack Obama win.
October 9th, 2008
May I just say, applying to colleges sucks. But in other news...
Well, I have little other news. I have to marvel though at how different this are now.
I mean. I don't know. It's odd to look back on my time in high school, but now as that time is about to be over, I find myself doing it more and more often.
I just think back to three years, two years, or even one year ago, and think about how weird it is that I am at a different place. I feel so much more mature. I think of my relationships, and I find that friendships and attractions were based on things that were nice, but unsubstantial.
I can't help but feel wasteful in spending so much time just because I had "fun" with people. As a result, it becomes all the more clear what I want a a person. For instance, when leaving temple after Yom Kippur services, I saw Sarina. And I thought about her and I. And we've never been the closest of friends, but our friendship has always been cyclical. I've known her the longest of any of my friends, and although we're not extremely close, we are able to talk about things and have great conversations. And have fun too.
A better example is Phoenix. She and I are close enough to where we don't harp on the negative. Yesterday, she and I had the worst argument we've ever had, yet we managed to regroup, and today we worked on our duo and were able to talk and stuff.
I just remember the end of sophomore year though, and all of that petty drama. And I can't help but think that those friendships were immature to begin with, so no matter what had happened it was going to digress into negativity. I don't hold any grudges with anyone from then, but it is obvious that this is a part of human nature. I think about the lack of "fun" in my life, but I find that it isn't necessary. Something deeper, something unexplainable has to be there to forge a true friendship. The people from sophomore year have their close relationships, and I have mine. That indescribable thing may not there for us, but for each of us independently, it exists.
I can only wonder how this will play out in the years to come. I was thinking, as I was doing my Wuthering Heights homework, that if I truly liked someone, I wouldn't care if I was eternally tied to them. I can't imagine my life without Brittney. Or Hayley. Or hosts of other people. I've shared too much of myself with them to ever really lose them. And yet, I feel the same way with the friends I made at Interprod and CRS, but I haven't retained that bond since those two weeks I spent with each of them. Do years make the difference? Or are we meant to build ourselves up over and over again? I wonder if this bond, this inherent need for close relationships developed from our origins as a people who stayed in one place. Maybe we weren't meant to leave home and go so far. And maybe I just need to evolve, myself, so I can adjust.
We'll see where this goes...